I can NOT believe I’m publishing this post, to be completely honest. I have a lot of anxiety right now but I know once it’s out in the open, I’ll feel a sense of relief. Here goes nothing.
I blog primarily for the reason of writing anything and everything my little ole heart desires. I am a self-proclaimed DIYer who loves writing about silly things such as makeup, music, and marriage. Who can blame me? I have a very blessed life! All of these things make me smile and are happy things.
But the reality is that no one’s life is perfect, including mine. And although it took me a while, I am finally comfortable writing about the not-so-easy part of life. No no... this is NOT going to be a woe-is-me blog moving forward. I like happiness and sunshine dust. Not Debbie-Downer stuff. This post is simply to get things out there in the open. That’s really it. I feel like I’ll be able to breathe a lot easier after publishing it.
That being said, before we jump in, you need to know the reasons that I've held back about writing this post.
First, let’s talk about judgment. I, nor anyone that I know personally, enjoys being judged. Do you? About 99% of the reason which I held back on writing this post is due to the fear of being judged.
Like I’ve mentioned in the past, I have an invisible tracker on my blog which shows me who is reading Texas Mrs. I know that some of my husband’s coworkers read, some of my friends read, and I also know that some of my relatives read. My biggest fear is that, “Oh my gosh… they will hold this against me!” Sadly, my primary fear of judgment stems from what my relatives would say. I can only imagine the hurtful things they could stir up in their mind.
But guess what? I’ve finally come to a point where it doesn’t matter. My relatives could say the meanest, most hurtful things ever and it would still be okay. Want to know why? Easy answer! Because God created me exactly how he intended to. And by golly, I’m going to trust that He knows what He is doing.
The second reason for holding back on writing this post is due to the word competition. Yuck, I absolutely hate that word. I’ve claimed time and time again to be the least competitive person on planet earth. Quite frankly, I don’t understand obnoxiously competitive people.
I know people (several, in fact) who compete with me personally. It’s as if their life isn’t fulfilled and they want to live my life. So what do they do? They do anything that I do, of course! That’s what competitive people do.
Let me be clear about something that I feel strongly about: Everyone is in different stages of life. Simply because I am at one point in my life does not mean that everyone else needs to jump on the bandwagon.
I am aware that once this post is out there that competition will begin; that is how competitive people work. But that’s fine by me. I’ve come to accept others simply feel they need to “keep up” with me. And if that’s what makes them tick, then fine. I am just grateful not to rush my life choices for the sake of competing with others.
Well that was a mouthful, if I do say so myself. Please tell me y’all have the gist though? I’ll summarize it for you: I have not written this post up until today due to fear of judgment and competition.
The next paragraph is going to be a long one. I apologize for that. I like paragraphs to be broken up so that way it’s easier to read but this one is different. I wanted to make sure whomever is reading is actually reading this post in its entirety; not just skipping around to the “good parts.” This entire post boils down to the fact that although Ross and I have been trying to conceive since November 2012, we have been unsuccessful. Yikes, I cannot believe I just put that out there. In my personal opinion, infertility is a bad word. It’s something that you don’t talk about. It’s virtually taboo. Before you start assuming things, you need to know this: no, we are NOT “infertile.” But the act of not being able to get pregnant within a year coins any couple struggling with that word. You need to know that doctors have examined us thoroughly and both he and I are in tip-top shape to make a baby. The doctors claim that I ovulate “beautifully” each month and that my husband’s men are “ready for an egg.”
There is something that plays a huge role in all of this though. And that is none other than stress. Oh lovely.
I, myself, do not handle stress very well. It’s been something that I’ve gotten much better at in the past year and I continue to progress in a positive way. However, when I am stressed, my body is the first to get the message. More times than not, my mouth produces painful ulcers in excess. The point of me telling you this is because my doctor says he believes that’s why we’ve been unsuccessful. If I’m getting visible ulcers in my mouth, can you imagine the things going on inside of my body?
Of course I have full intentions of going into greater detail about this journey, but it would take way too much out of your day for you to read it. Let’s save that for next time. But I do want to make a couple of quick points:
+ Anyone is welcome to email me personally with any questions/comments. My email is texasmrsblog(at)gmail(dot)com. Just know that I will also be posting more detail later. Maybe next week.
+ Yes, my surgery last month was due to this topic.
+ You’re absolutely incorrect to assume you know what our journey has been like. But you will all find out soon enough. At least some of it. There is a portion that will remain between my husband and I solely.
+ My husband and I have only grown stronger over this situation. Not only physically (I giggle) but also emotionally. When I cry, he comforts me. When I’m negative, he’s positive. He’s the ying to my yang and everything in between. Our marriage is rock.solid. because of this journey.
+ Should God’s plan lead us to an alternative form of parenthood such as adoption, surrogate, etc., we will feel overjoyed!
More than anything, the point I’d like everyone to get out of this post is this: My husband and I are stronger, better, wiser people because of this journey. I will preach that until I feel like I’ve made my point clear. (Seriously.) For the first time in my entire.life, I am NOT scared. I do NOT care if people poke fun at my struggles. I do NOT care if I’m viewed differently. There is (literally) nothing wrong with me or my husband in God’s eyes. Actually, there’s (literally) nothing wrong with he or I in the doctor’s eyes either. “It just takes time”, in their own words.
Hallelujah, you’ve reached the end of this blog post. If you read the entire thing, I applaud you. If you skipped around to the “good part” then you suck. :)
Tomorrow I will be back with regularly scheduled fun posts. Because that’s how I roll. You haven’t seen me moaning and groaning the past year during our struggle, so that how it’ll continue on.