Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The post I didn't want to write

I can NOT believe I’m publishing this post, to be completely honest. I have a lot of anxiety right now but I know once it’s out in the open, I’ll feel a sense of relief. Here goes nothing.
Source
I blog primarily for the reason of writing anything and everything my little ole heart desires. I am a self-proclaimed DIYer who loves writing about silly things such as makeup, music, and marriage. Who can blame me? I have a very blessed life! All of these things make me smile and are happy things.

But the reality is that no one’s life is perfect, including mine. And although it took me a while, I am finally comfortable writing about the not-so-easy part of life. No no... this is NOT going to be a woe-is-me blog moving forward. I like happiness and sunshine dust. Not Debbie-Downer stuff. This post is simply to get things out there in the open. That’s really it. I feel like I’ll be able to breathe a lot easier after publishing it.

That being said, before we jump in, you need to know the reasons that I've held back about writing this post.

First, let’s talk about judgment. I, nor anyone that I know personally, enjoys being judged. Do you? About 99% of the reason which I held back on writing this post is due to the fear of being judged.

Like I’ve mentioned in the past, I have an invisible tracker on my blog which shows me who is reading Texas Mrs. I know that some of my husband’s coworkers read, some of my friends read, and I also know that some of my relatives read. My biggest fear is that, “Oh my gosh… they will hold this against me!” Sadly, my primary fear of judgment stems from what my relatives would say. I can only imagine the hurtful things they could stir up in their mind.

But guess what? I’ve finally come to a point where it doesn’t matter. My relatives could say the meanest, most hurtful things ever and it would still be okay. Want to know why? Easy answer! Because God created me exactly how he intended to. And by golly, I’m going to trust that He knows what He is doing.

The second reason for holding back on writing this post is due to the word competition. Yuck, I absolutely hate that word. I’ve claimed time and time again to be the least competitive person on planet earth. Quite frankly, I don’t understand obnoxiously competitive people.

I know people (several, in fact) who compete with me personally. It’s as if their life isn’t fulfilled and they want to live my life. So what do they do? They do anything that I do, of course! That’s what competitive people do.

Let me be clear about something that I feel strongly about: Everyone is in different stages of life. Simply because I am at one point in my life does not mean that everyone else needs to jump on the bandwagon.

I am aware that once this post is out there that competition will begin; that is how competitive people work. But that’s fine by me. I’ve come to accept others simply feel they need to “keep up” with me. And if that’s what makes them tick, then fine. I am just grateful not to rush my life choices for the sake of competing with others.

Well that was a mouthful, if I do say so myself. Please tell me y’all have the gist though? I’ll summarize it for you: I have not written this post up until today due to fear of judgment and competition.
Source
The next paragraph is going to be a long one. I apologize for that. I like paragraphs to be broken up so that way it’s easier to read but this one is different. I wanted to make sure whomever is reading is actually reading this post in its entirety; not just skipping around to the “good parts.” This entire post boils down to the fact that although Ross and I have been trying to conceive since November 2012, we have been unsuccessful. Yikes, I cannot believe I just put that out there. In my personal opinion, infertility is a bad word. It’s something that you don’t talk about. It’s virtually taboo. Before you start assuming things, you need to know this: no, we are NOT “infertile.” But the act of not being able to get pregnant within a year coins any couple struggling with that word. You need to know that doctors have examined us thoroughly and both he and I are in tip-top shape to make a baby. The doctors claim that I ovulate “beautifully” each month and that my husband’s men are “ready for an egg.”

There is something that plays a huge role in all of this though. And that is none other than stress. Oh lovely.

I, myself, do not handle stress very well. It’s been something that I’ve gotten much better at in the past year and I continue to progress in a positive way. However, when I am stressed, my body is the first to get the message. More times than not, my mouth produces painful ulcers in excess. The point of me telling you this is because my doctor says he believes that’s why we’ve been unsuccessful. If I’m getting visible ulcers in my mouth, can you imagine the things going on inside of my body?

Of course I have full intentions of going into greater detail about this journey, but it would take way too much out of your day for you to read it. Let’s save that for next time. But I do want to make a couple of quick points:

+ Anyone is welcome to email me personally with any questions/comments. My email is texasmrsblog(at)gmail(dot)com. Just know that I will also be posting more detail later. Maybe next week.

+ Yes, my surgery last month was due to this topic.

+ You’re absolutely incorrect to assume you know what our journey has been like. But you will all find out soon enough. At least some of it. There is a portion that will remain between my husband and I solely.

+ My husband and I have only grown stronger over this situation. Not only physically (I giggle) but also emotionally. When I cry, he comforts me. When I’m negative, he’s positive. He’s the ying to my yang and everything in between. Our marriage is rock.solid. because of this journey.

+ Should God’s plan lead us to an alternative form of parenthood such as adoption, surrogate, etc., we will feel overjoyed!

More than anything, the point I’d like everyone to get out of this post is this: My husband and I are stronger, better, wiser people because of this journey. I will preach that until I feel like I’ve made my point clear. (Seriously.) For the first time in my entire.life, I am NOT scared. I do NOT care if people poke fun at my struggles. I do NOT care if I’m viewed differently. There is (literally) nothing wrong with me or my husband in God’s eyes. Actually, there’s (literally) nothing wrong with he or I in the doctor’s eyes either. “It just takes time”, in their own words.
Source
Hallelujah, you’ve reached the end of this blog post. If you read the entire thing, I applaud you. If you skipped around to the “good part” then you suck. :) 

Tomorrow I will be back with regularly scheduled fun posts. Because that’s how I roll. You haven’t seen me moaning and groaning the past year during our struggle, so that how it’ll continue on.


28 comments:

  1. Oh sweet sweet sweet lady, I am so sorry you had to write this post AND that people in your life make you feel you have to justify how you feel. That is so awful that people are in competition with you, I just DON'T understand that kind of envy and jealously. I'm glad that you are able to say fff-it [in a polite way, of course haha] and just be you and blog about what you want to blog about.

    I won't even begin to think I know/have an idea of WHAT you have gone/are going through, but I can only imagine the struggle and heartache. It's wonderful to read how CLOSE you and your husband have become though, that is so amazing to read. I'm sending you prayers and a hug and some POSITIVE vibes :)!

    Good luck on your journey, I'm rooting for y'all! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOVE YOU! So glad you are finally able to talk about it publicly! I'm so proud of you and know you are Ross will be parents SOON! Fingers crossed and I'm always praying for y'all! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for sharing and not being afraid of what people think. This is a hard topic and one my ex and I struggled with and I'm glad it has drawn the two of you closer. Be hopeful that God will provide for your desires when you put your faith in Him. Meanwhile, draw nearer to your husband and relax!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good for you for being able to write about this and get it off your chest. Praying for you and your husband and good things will come your way. Good luck to you two! :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. So happy you are able to get this all out there! Now you have the full on support of everyone around you! Prayers and lots of love being sent to Austin!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hugs! Glad you were able to write about your experience and get it off your chest. Love that y'all have grown stronger together. I can't imagine going through this; y'all are rockstars. Thinking of you! :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh goodness, I just want to hug you right now. You are not the only person to struggle with this and I applaud you for talking about it openly. It may relieve you to put it out there and see the responses you actually get. I can't imagine anyone looking down upon you or giving you negativity because of it. And if they do I pity that person. You are beautiful and it's all part of God's plan. He is saying, "patience child I've got this". So glad you and your husband can grow closer because of this. The fact that you are doing that and looking to the Lord puts you ten steps ahead of others I know. Sending up prayers for y'all!

    ReplyDelete
  8. It's good for you to be able to get this out there!! I'll keep you & Ross in my prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you for sharing- so brave! It is wonderful that you and your husband have taken something very hard and used it to be strong for each other.

    ReplyDelete
  10. So glad you were able to bond together and become stronger. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that you receive nothing but positive support. Big hugs and lots of prayers to you both!

    ReplyDelete
  11. You are so right, we are not perfect! No one is perfect and that is why we should not feel ashamed of our struggles. When I go through something difficult I just think about how I will be able to help and encourage someone else who is going through the same thing. Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh Allison, thank you so much for being so honest on this topic. Not enough people talk about their journey, especially when there are other people in this world to hear encouraging posts like yours to get them through the same type of journey. I'm happy that you both know what the certain cause is of the infertility right now, but God has a reason why it hasn't happened yet. Praying for you and Russ, because I can't even imagine all the emotions you both are growing through.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am so glad that you shared this! & that this experience has made you & Ross's relationship grow even stronger than it already was. Everything happens for a reason & what's meant to be will find a way :) You will make the BEST mom ever & I'm praying for the both of you that wonderful things happen for y'all soon!! :)

    PS- Negative, judgmental, competitive people can suck it! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  14. It is sometimes hard to write things that are heavy on our hearts, but I feel like when the time is right for you it is because someone else maybe going through something similar. Keeping you in my prayers!!! And I'm kind of interested in this invisible tracker that you have.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Way to go!! Look at you and your guts for sharing this. I would guess it wasn't easy. I think you and Ross would be perfect parents to a little baby Skinner and I'll send up prayers for y'all right now. God has a plan, my friend, and you're beautiful for KNOWING that without a doubt!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Big, huge, giant hugs are being sent from me to you right now friend. You know what first words pop in my head after reading this? Courage and bravery... to share this is something that should be appreciated by your readers, friends, family, etc. And the fact that you shed positive light on it makes you incredible. It's easy for others to give baby makin advice. I, however, am not in that boat yet and don't feel comfortable giving any that I've just heard. But I will say this, you will continuously be in my prayers. Love ya girly!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Wow. I honestly hate to think how negative your family has to be for you to have to declare so many of those last things in an attempt to protect yourself and your marriage. So sad that family can't just be supportive. Everyone's journey is different and I commend you for sharing something as personal as your journey to start a family. I wish you and your husband the best!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Big hugs! Sorry that it took a post like this for me to comment for the first time but I have been reading your blog for a while. You are very brave for posting this and it makes me so much more glad that I started reading your blog in the first place. My husband and I will be praying for you and your family as well as for any negativity and stress to stay out of your life!

    ReplyDelete
  19. It breaks my heart that you felt like you couldn't share this story. Having problems with conceiving is such a common issue. I'm glad you decided to share your story so that others will not feel so isolated. I understand the ulcer issue because I too have major anxiety. I was told I would probably not be able to conceive and it did happen for us. Just like they always say, it happened when I wasn't trying.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I read quite a few blogs who have struggled with infertility, you are definitely not alone. I think it's sad that you struggled to write this. If anyone has anything negative to say, shame on THEM!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thanks for sharing! I hope you will find through publishing this post that you are not alone! I stopped taking birthday control October 2012 thinking I would get pregnant within a year and I'm still struggling to even have a period. Our bodies are crazy and I have hope that they will cooperate soon! Thinking of you and appreciate you posting this! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  22. Prayers! I am excited to see your story. God has a beautiful and wonderful plan for your family (: xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  23. HUGS AND LOVE your way girl! This was a beautifully written post and please know you and your hubby will definitely be in my prayers. Your marriage and your faith will only continue to grow and I know there is awesome stuff in store for you :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Oh golly. I just wrote a super long comment and it didn't post. Attempt # 2.
    I just love you! You're stronger than you think and you having the courage to post this just makes that more known. God has a bigger plan for you than you know and he has a reason for everything. You should know by now that I think you're going to be an amazing mother when the time comes (and it will come one way or another). I just think you're destined for greatness and letting go of the negative in your life is just going to show you how right I am! Always remember I'm here for you if you ever need to rant, vent or need encouragement! xoxo!

    ReplyDelete
  25. What a great blog and post to stumble upon today. I am in the process of starting my own newlywed blog, and one of the biggest things holding me back is the fear of what my friends and family will think of certain things I want to blog about. I have a lot of emotions about things that have happened recently, and I wish to share that in some way, but I'm terrified of how some people will take that. It's not that I'm keeping secrets from them, but I have held back from expressing my true feelings in certain situations. I'm still struggling with how to overcome that - the best I've thought of is that maybe this is a way that I can share with them how I feel and hopefully it will strengthen our relationship, and if not, then at least the feelings are off my chest and I know I've been honest. But is honesty always the best policy? I know this is slightly different than what you did in this post, sharing about your journey to conceive and revealing something so personal, but this did help me a little bit. Phew!

    ReplyDelete
  26. like others have said, and you said, I ahve no idea what you are going through, but i have loved getting to know you through your blog, i feel like we are friends even though we never actually have talked, you are a strong woman and anyone can see that through your blog, i am so glad you can come out and talk about this openly, and most of all, you are correct, God has a plan for you and it will work out in His time. love you girl!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I had not read this post before today. I was scared to write about it, too, but finally I did. I had the same reservations you did....fear of being judged, of hurtful comments, etc. All I can offer you is support. More people have been supportive than I expected, even though it isn't something I tell everyone. Hugs sister.

    (Also - I want this invisible tracker you mention. Seriously.)

    ReplyDelete