Monday, June 23, 2014

Pain

On Saturday evening, I told my hubby, "let's watch church live from home tomorrow, okay?" Our church streams the service live online, and we can project it to our TV. I had quite a busy weekend with hosting a baby shower, babysitting, and attending a wedding, which meant it was necessary for me to sleep in late on Sunday. So that's what I did.

After eating breakfast on Sunday morning, our neighbor invited Ross to go play golf. I decided that I would still watch church online while he was gone, and he could re-watch it later. Right before the service started (and after my hubby had already left for golf), I went to the ladies room and got an unexpected, sad surprise. Immediately the tears started flowing. On and on.

I stopped with the self-pity but couldn't stop crying. I honestly don't think I had any control over it. I decided to lay in bed and attempt to watch the church service. That didn't work out very well. The only thing I heard during the hour & half service was, "if it's important to us, it's important to God." Also, one of the worship songs was in regard to healing a broken heart. So I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. I prayed for God to heal my broken heart and to help Ross and I conceive a child.

Finally, the tears stopped for the time being. However, I know that the tears will come and go. I'm sure this isn't the end of my crying fit just yet. I can't help but feel like I "lost a baby." I was totally convinced that I was pregnant this month. I protected my body like I've never done before - being careful with what I eat, taking it easy on the caffeine, and zero alcohol intake. I wanted to protect the tiny human that wasn't even inside me.

I don't for a split second blame God. His plan is far better than my own. But it's a hard pill to swallow none the less. I'm embarrassed. Upset. Sad. Angry. Hurt. Confused. Shocked. Truth be told, I would never wish this pain on anyone... not even people that I don't exactly care for.

More than anything, I am confused. Why God, why??? I honestly thought I learned my lesson. When we first started trying to conceive in November 2012, I wasn't 100% "right" with God. Neither was Ross. Now we both have such a deep relationship with God - together and even individually. We both trust in God fully. But I can't help but doubt myself sometimes. Am I doing something wrong? Is there a sin that I keep committing and need to repent? And I'm being punished? Or maybe there's still a lesson to be learned. 

It's hard... because on Saturday when I was babysitting my "niece", everything felt so natural. I am supposed to be a mom. After I rocked her to sleep for an afternoon nap (she's 9 months old), my husband explained that he liked seeing me take such good care of her. There wasn't a greater feeling than knowing my husband even recognizes my motherly instincts. I am supposed to be a mom.

Now what?

Besides the embarrassment of having to tell everyone that it didn't work, I will have some other personal battles to get over. I have no other choice but to swallow this pill and trust in God's greater, more amazing plan.

I plan to call the doctor this morning and let them know that we would like to pursue IVF. From what they've told me in the past, I will have to take birth control for 1 month, and then they can begin the process. Hopefully I will know everything soon and update y'all then. Your prayers over the past month are so appreciated. I know God can still hear - but apparently it's just not the right time........... YET.
P.S. No blog post is a "good post" without a picture. Here's one of baby Allison.

24 comments:

  1. Allison, I'm so sorry for your pain and hurt. I am praying for you and your husband. You have an amazing outlook, even through the pain. You WILL have your baby and be a mom when the time is right. God has a plan.

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  2. My prayers are with you during this time. I believe that if we delight ourselves in God he'll give us the desires of our heart; and if one of your heart's desires is to be a mother then that's what you'll be. You've been so strong thus far and you just have to keep that up. It sounds like you have an amazing and supportive husband so lean on him during this and let him lean on you too. I'm sure you two will be amazing parents!

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  3. I am so sorry. You're in my prayers. You will be an amazing mom, and it WILL happen for you. Lean on your husband and let him lean on you during this time. You'll get through it together. HUGS!

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  4. Oh Allison, I am so sorry. This just hurt my heart to read. I was so convinced for you this month, too! But yes, Gods plan is always greater than ours. Not always the easiest to handle, but always what's best :) Lots and lots of prayers sent to you and your husband!

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  5. I am so sorry Allison :( I know it is not easy. Please do not feel embarrassed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Thoughts and prayers girl.

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  6. God's plans are better than our own! He is planning something that you can't even dream of! Praying for you.

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  7. I am so sorry this didn't work, I just thought for sure it would! Do not feel embarrassed at all, you had no way of knowing how things would turn out. I know that, as you said, God has much bigger and better plans in store for you! Sending many prayers and hugs your way.

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  8. Girl, you are strong and brave. Do not feel embarrassed. I'm sorry, I know that nothing anyone says will truly make you feel better, but just know that you have a lot of ladies out here praying you and your husband. It WILL happen girl. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!

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  9. I am so sorry! I will be keeping your family in my prayers and thinking of you as you figure out your next step!

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  10. So sorry to read this. Prayers, love and more prayers are being sent to you!

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  11. I'm so sorry, friend. God's time is the perfect time. Many many prayers for y'all. <3

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  12. Prayers friend, don't feel embarrassed you have openly shared your journey this is just another step.

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  13. Oh, my goodness! I can't imagine what you are going through but.. I know that God has a great plan! Hang in there girl and do what feels right for you!

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  14. Oh Allison, I am so incredibly sorry. :(
    I don't know what to say, but I know that God has a greater plan...even when that's really hard to believe. I hope that the doctor gave you a tiny bit of piece and knew what the next step should be !

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  15. I'm very sorry, Allison. I know that disappointment and pain although perhaps not to the extent that you have. I like tears are a totally natural response to this round not being successful. Take the time to properly mourn but yet don't allow yourself to wallow.

    On my husband and I's journey to conceive we've tried to pray for God's timing not our timing. Its so so hard, especially for a control freak like me. I will pray for you.

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  16. So sorry, praying for you and your husband xo

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  17. I will say a special prayer for you both Allison. I know your heart yearns to be the mother you were made to be and I know that God will grant you that wish when he is ready. Don't ever feel ashamed of your feelings of hurt, anger, questioning. Just know that we are all here to support, encourage, and keep you moving forward with whatever you and Ross need to do for your family.

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  18. Oh Allison, don't be embarrassed! It's so hard to understand why but you know He has a plan. I think He wants that little baby of yours to be a CERTAIN person born on a CERTAIN day. I'm praying for your heart to heal AND for healing in your body so that it can conceive. I'm praying for the IVF!!

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  19. Oh sweet, sweet friend. I'm so sorry I'm just reading this, my reader has been all mixed up lately and I've missed a ton of posts.

    I am so sorry you had to post this, but please don't feel embarrassed. You yearn to be a mother and I can only imagine how that feeling consumes you, as it appears to be so hard right now. I applaud your honesty here and your willingness to share your story. And I applaud you for taking the next step, with IVF!

    I'm praying for you and your husband and hope that God continues to grant you grace on your journey. <3

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  20. It broke my heart to read this, as I have been praying for you and your sweet husband to finally become parents. But I know, as you do, that it's just not God's timing...yet! Although you have such an amazing outlook on the entire thing, it definitely is a hard pill to swallow. Praying that your IVF experience is positive and successful. Praying, praying, praying for you both!

    Brianna
    xobriannaleigh.com

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  21. Oh girl - we are on the same road! I know God has PERFECT timing for your babies to be here. He has already written them in the book of life. The hard part of course is waiting. Trusting Him for your babies (and ours) while we both wait! xoxo

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  22. so so sorry that this has happened, it's so hard, I've been through it twice with IUI and I'm hoping that IVF will be the answers to our prayers. my thoughts and prayers and support are with you and your husband. you will become a mother some day, some of us just have to work harder for it, and it will make it that much better in the end. <3

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  23. I'm so sorry Allison, I know there are no right words to say right now. Praying for you and Ross, y'all are always in my thoughts & prayers :-)

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