On Saturday evening, I told my hubby, "let's watch church live from home tomorrow, okay?" Our church streams the service live online, and we can project it to our TV. I had quite a busy weekend with hosting a baby shower, babysitting, and attending a wedding, which meant it was necessary for me to sleep in late on Sunday. So that's what I did.
After eating breakfast on Sunday morning, our neighbor invited Ross to go play golf. I decided that I would still watch church online while he was gone, and he could re-watch it later. Right before the service started (and after my hubby had already left for golf), I went to the ladies room and got an unexpected, sad surprise. Immediately the tears started flowing. On and on.
I stopped with the self-pity but couldn't stop crying. I honestly don't think I had any control over it. I decided to lay in bed and attempt to watch the church service. That didn't work out very well. The only thing I heard during the hour & half service was, "if it's important to us, it's important to God." Also, one of the worship songs was in regard to healing a broken heart. So I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. I prayed for God to heal my broken heart and to help Ross and I conceive a child.
Finally, the tears stopped for the time being. However, I know that the tears will come and go. I'm sure this isn't the end of my crying fit just yet. I can't help but feel like I "lost a baby." I was totally convinced that I was pregnant this month. I protected my body like I've never done before - being careful with what I eat, taking it easy on the caffeine, and zero alcohol intake. I wanted to protect the tiny human that wasn't even inside me.
I don't for a split second blame God. His plan is far better than my own. But it's a hard pill to swallow none the less. I'm embarrassed. Upset. Sad. Angry. Hurt. Confused. Shocked. Truth be told, I would never wish this pain on anyone... not even people that I don't exactly care for.
More than anything, I am confused. Why God, why??? I honestly thought I learned my lesson. When we first started trying to conceive in November 2012, I wasn't 100% "right" with God. Neither was Ross. Now we both have such a deep relationship with God - together and even individually. We both trust in God fully. But I can't help but doubt myself sometimes. Am I doing something wrong? Is there a sin that I keep committing and need to repent? And I'm being punished? Or maybe there's still a lesson to be learned.
It's hard... because on Saturday when I was babysitting my "niece", everything felt so natural. I am supposed to be a mom. After I rocked her to sleep for an afternoon nap (she's 9 months old), my husband explained that he liked seeing me take such good care of her. There wasn't a greater feeling than knowing my husband even recognizes my motherly instincts. I am supposed to be a mom.
Besides the embarrassment of having to tell everyone that it didn't work, I will have some other personal battles to get over. I have no other choice but to swallow this pill and trust in God's greater, more amazing plan.
I plan to call the doctor this morning and let them know that we would like to pursue IVF. From what they've told me in the past, I will have to take birth control for 1 month, and then they can begin the process. Hopefully I will know everything soon and update y'all then. Your prayers over the past month are so appreciated. I know God can still hear - but apparently it's just not the right time........... YET.
P.S. No blog post is a "good post" without a picture. Here's one of baby Allison.