Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Emotions, Y'all

So many emotions. I don't actually expect everyone to read this blog post in it's entirety, but I would be gosh darn proud of whomever does.  

21 Day Fix.
I texted my coach on Monday night, after my first full day of doing the 21 Day Fix, and told her that I was on the verge of tears (except, I was actually crying by that point) because I didn't realize it would be so hard. The meal plan, and the workouts. Both were hard. ESPECIALLY the workouts. Yea... the workout was really hard. If I'm being honest, which it appears that I am, then I'm gonna say this: I am not used to weighing 155lbs and bouncing around the house. Don't get me wrong - I've weighed more. When I was preggo, about to deliver, I was 196lbs. That's right... I gained a lot o' weight, thanks to IVF injections. I got a massive supply of progesterone, what can I say? What I'm getting at is that I know what that much weight feels like on my limbs. My knees hurt so bad while preggo. But, I wasn't trying to exercise at that time either.

Doing the 21 Day Fix has made me motivated at times, have a pity party at times (why, oh why, did I eat so much chocolate while preggo?), and want to give up at times. Needless to say, I've been quite emotional. But, I'm trucking along. Let's see how things pan out over the next 17 days.

Fertility.
Because I'm all about sharing random tidbits about myself, one random fact about me is that I will never refer to "infertility" as that - infertility. I always refer to it as, "fertility struggles." I think I am still a little scarred from being diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility back in September 2013.  In fact, that stupid term haunts me still. It's on every.single medical record that is out there. ANYways, all of that is beside the point.

When I read Jessah's blog post today, I was getting so emotion. More specifically, when she said, "the sobbing, can’t-catch-your-breath tears and sleepless emotional nights." Y'ALL. I had never been in so much pain in my life waiting for my baby. Looking back, I was definitely in and out of depression (hence why I was on anxiety medication... which is also still on my medical record. In fact, everytime I go to the doctor, for any reason at all, they look at me with concern and ask me if I am doing okay. Um, hello, can't a girl have a past issue with depression and not be judge for it anymore? I have joy now. Thanks to Jesus!). The whole point is... just like Jessah said in her blog post, I will NEVER.EVER.EVER forget that pain. I have 3 physical scars on my body (thanks to my Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy) to always remember that pain associated with fertility struggles. But the good news is that where there is pain, Jesus can heal. And somehow... someway, I just learned to put my faith in Him, and then BAM... He gave me the greatest joy ever. My joy, which also came with 1 physical scar (a scar that I'm super proud of; more on that in a minute) was the day that Jesus brought Kensie Girl in my life. Like I said, where there is pain, healing can begin. And for me, I live with that joy every day. Sometimes I wonder, "should we have named Kensington 'Joy' instead?" But I don't really like that as a name. Again - that's all beside the point. Kensie Girl is my joy. And that, my friends, is the very reason why I am confident Jesus loves me. Because otherwise, there's no way He would give me such a special gift. 

Oh! And on that other point, that part about my c-section? Pre-Kensington, I never through a c-section would be in my "plans". I understood that it was a possibility, but I never actually thought that'd be me. But, Jesus has a way of making us so grateful for what we have. Now-a-days, 2.5 months postpartum, I couldn't be more proud of my c-section scar. I mean it. In fact, I have a whole blog post coming your way very soon all about it (with pictures, if you dare to read).

Blogging.
Oh, how I miss blogging. At this very moment, it's 10:58pm and I should be sleeping. I'm dead tired. But, because I lurve blogging so much, I figured I could give myself one good blog post to get these emotions out. Now I feel better. But, please stick with me. I promise that once I can develop a steady routine while Kensie Girl sleeps and naps, I will be around these parts of the WWW more often.

Music.
Certain songs these days just make me cry. I think I am just more emotional in general since delivering. Not sure if that's typical or not, but I'm gonna blame it on that. Anyways, the other day I was just cruisin' along in the car and, "You're gonna be" by Reba came on. Immediately tears. But happy tears, I would say. The part where she says, "life has no guarantees, but always loved by me, you're gonna be." Oh yea, and the part about not knowing what scared is until you're a mom. Truth, Kensie Girl. Truth. I live in a state of fear of what could go wrong. But I just try to revert and give it all back to Jesus. Ain't nobody got time to worry. Anywho... for your crying pleasure, please watch and weep.

6 comments:

  1. So proud of you. Keep with the workouts and diet, but give yourself grace. It's hard. Remember at the end of the day you are beautiful and loved by that little girl no matter what.

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  2. Props to you for even starting a diet! I'm sure I will be looking to do the same since I am already well above any weight I have ever been and will probably get close to what your weight was by the time this boy arrives. I love that you remember to give it to Jesus, I need that reminder often.

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  3. Yeah, I'm wishing id laid off the junk while I was pg too. I've never had to lose weight before and it sucks. Keep going though! You can do it!

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  4. Girl, working out is hard, and eating super clean when you weren't being strict before take the most willpower of anything!!! But once you get in the habit and break your body of the cravings and stuff...it becomes so much easier and you feel so much better which helps keep you on track!!! Just take your time and be patient with yourself :)

    I can't imagine the pain of fertility troubles. I love that you were so open and honest about yours. I am sure there are a ton of people reading this and so thankful that they can relate with you.

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  5. Girl I read that blog post about never forgetting too. I hope one day I post that! You can lose the way I believe in you!

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  6. Oh girl I am always emotional. I always have been but since getting off birth control, I'm always crying! Thanks for your raw honesty :)

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