I'm writing this blog post because... well... that's what I do: I feel something, and then I write it down. Before I begin: a disclaimer of some things that I want to be known:
1) I am forever changed thanks to our journey to conceive. Jesus did some overtime on my heart and because of Him, everything is different. Before all of this, I lived a very selfish life and thought I deserved certain things (such as the "right" to bear a child), whereas now, my eyes have been made new and I realize that bearing a child is not a "right" by any stretch of the imagination. Having a child is a GIFT.
2) God's plan is MUCH better. I always pictured myself having multiple kids, but now-a-days, I am not so sure?! I think... well, God has something great planned out, and that's enough for me. I have a miracle that will always be a reminder of the greatness of our God. Of course, I would feel honored to be a mama to an entire basketball team... but Kensington made me a mama and I am a whole new person because of God's sweet mercy. That being said, my hubby and I already have in mind when we're doing IVF again. And of course, we'll pray that it works out the way we desire, but we're not promised that.
3) For the record, no, my hubby and I are not actively trying to get preggo again just yet. But we're also not preventing it either. My OBGYN (whom I can't say enough good things about) so graciously understood and agreed with me at my 6-week postpartum check up that I would never take contraceptive again.
4) To my TTC sisters, I hope you know that this post is written with you in mind. Although I have my miracle baby, I won't ever forget about your struggles or my own.
(P.S. every post I write these days has a disclaimer. What is up with me?)
Anyways, what drives me bonkers is that my brain and heart cannot get on the same page. What I mean is that my heart tells me that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is possible with God. I was reminded of that yesterday at small group. We watched a Beth Moore video, and in it, she said that we indeed, can, ask God to fulfill any promises that are listed in His word (although He is not obligated to fulfill every promise to every believer that ever existed). My brain on the other hand thinks more analytically. My brain says, "wait, what??? a man and woman can create a baby without technology?? that makes zero sense."
I'll tell you why my brain thinks this way. TMI coming. You were warned. Also, you may need to refer to the TTC terminology found on this page if you're confused about my abbreviations.
I know gosh darn good and well when I'm ovulating. My body is very obvious about it. I'm just gonna put that out there. From November 2012-September 2014, we did the BD at the right time without fail. It just so happens that in the past 4 months, after AF returned, we did the BD while I was ovulating. Of course nothing came of it, which is to be expected. Yes, I've heard plenty of amazing stories about how women get pregnant naturally after IVF. But I'm not so sure my brain can understand that. I wanted to be the person who was told, "you're pregnant" right before my Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy or right before the IVF transfer. But that didn't happen.
Frustration still creeps (albeit, NOTHING even close to the frustration I felt before we got pregnant), even though we're not actively trying to conceive because of the fact that even if I wanted to (says my brain), I won't be able to get pregnant naturally. What I want to do is to tell AF to "F off" very kindly... but then I'm like, "but I kinda need you to cooperate when we're ready to do IVF again." I praise Jesus for giving doctors the knowledge and ability to perform IVF. It is truly AMAZING. Hubby and I always joke that when Kensie Girl (in the future) asks how babies are made, it will be SO easy for us: "they're made in a petri dish!" I laugh. But seriously, is it not incredible that we have IVF? If IVF was a person, I would hug them so tight and be like, "hey you... keep up the good work." Oh but seriously, I love that my daughter has a story to share. I love it. I love it. I hope Jesus shines through her story of conception. Also listen to this fun fact: my daughter was conceived at the same hospital that I was born at. Fun stuff right there. Anyways, I am getting way off topic here.
I guess what I'm getting at is that fertility struggles are not a one-time occurrence. DH and I didn't TTC for 2 years, get pregnant, and then magically get the "all clear" to get pregnant again without problems. I'm guessing that, unless I get pregnant consistently from now until menopause, I will always struggle with fertility. I will also reserve a very special corner of my heart for the countless other women who have gone through the heartache of waiting for years.
To the mamas who have never gone through Clomid, IUI, IVF, donor egg transfer, embryo adoption or any other form of assisted reproductive technology... will you please be extra grateful that you are able to conceive a child by the VERY simple act of baby dancing? I am saying this, not for myself, but for my sisters whom so desperately want to get pregnant and deliver just ONE child for their whole entire life. That being said, every baby is conceived in the most perfect time and way!
These words tho...
I WILL TRUST IN YOU, Jesus.