Why I have the time to think is beyond me. I am ridiculously busy (self-proclaimed least bored person on planet earth *points to self*) so when I find myself wondering off, I'm like, "yea, no thanks, brain. I don't have time for that." But one thing that has been on my mind for the past, oh... 8.5 months, is mamahood. I've only just begun yet I feel more confused than when I first started. Here's why:
First, it's a scientific fact that a person needs a heart to live (something about pumping blood). If that's the case, then why do I feel like my heart is outside of my body and in the possession of my kid? I don't remember freely giving my heart away. She just stole it and I am owed an explanation as to how to go about my life for the next 60 years without a heart.
And another thing. Who knew that seeing your kid cry could cause physical pain? I had to learn that the hard way. I am secretly angry at every mom in the universe who never decided to broadcast this fact to other potential moms. Why was I never told it would hurt? I feel gypped.
Since I'm on a roll, I have a bone to pick with time. Who authorized that time should speed up once you become a mama? When you said 'babies don't keep', I didn't believe you but now I see you were right all along.
Guilty: I've wondered, "Am I equipped for these deep, intense emotions?" And while I don't feel confident in my own answer, I rest assured that Jesus knew what He was doing when He answered my prayer to make me a mama. And I am so so so so so so so so so so so glad that Jesus has given me the opportunity to be Kensington's mama. Albeit, I'm a bit fractured by this love (i.e. I'm "lacking" a heart inside my body *insert silly face*), but I wouldn't request it any other way.
Mamahood is hard because there's truly no way to prepare your heart for the impending deportation. Once the heart is stolen by your child(ren), I am not so sure that there's ever a way to get it back. Be brave, mamas.