Wednesday, November 16, 2016

In The Very Middle

*Fair warning: this post may include TMI for some readers. Read at your own discretion.*

It is such a strange thing; the two different lives that I have. One life in the walls of our newly built home, and one life with monitors, dinging, and the typical hospital smell.

The most difficult part has been doing "normal" activities without Bennett. Like going to Kensington's music class. Or Ross, Kensie and I going grocery shopping. Or Kensie and I having lunch with daddy at work. It feels so wrong. Parents shouldn't be without their child. Leaving the hospital each time doesn't get any easier.

I suppose that being a NICU mom wasn't enough hospital time for my body, because I will be spending more time there here in the near future.

Oh geez. Where to begin? Let's just say that my body is being super dramatic in the most strange ways.

First, right after Bennett was born, I got my flu shot. Seems harmless right? I've gotten the flu shot every year, not to mention, being an IVF mama, I've taken my fair share of injections. It's no big deal. But this time was different. The moment the pharmacist stuck the needle in my arm, I knew. I knew that he butchered it so badly and I would be paying the price. It felt wrong immediately.

Fast forward to one month later (which was approx. 2 weeks ago), I scheduled an appointment to meet with my PCP about the unbearable pain. He sent me home with arm/shoulder exercises to do and if there was no improvement two weeks later (now), then we'd go forward with more aggressive steps. Well, I just learned that he wants to do an ultrasound on my arm, possibly an MRI, and physical therapy too.

Unbelievable. Over a flu shot. I couldn't be more irritated that I put my trust in someone (the terrible pharmacist) who knew absolutely nothing about what they were doing.

As if my arm pain wasn't bad enough (it's miserable), my body decided why not add a D&C to the mix? That's right, I will be getting a D&C this Friday. This procedure is typically for patients who are going through a miscarriage and need assistance in getting all of the remnants out of the uterus. Mind you: I just had my baby boy 8 weeks ago. There was no miscarriage inside my uterus. However, my body thinks otherwise. After delivering baby boy 8 weeks ago, some things got left behind. That turned into bleeding which got worse by the day. Over the last week, it's scary how much blood loss I've had. I'll spare you the details.

Lesson learned: I still don't the control that my Type A personality wishes I did.

The part that makes this story still have a happy ending is the truly miraculous progress that my baby boy has been making. Despite feeling like my body is "broken", I look at baby Bennett and realize how miraculous my body really is. I carried a perfectly healthy baby boy for 25 weeks and now-a-days, he is learning and growing before my very eyes.

As of this Friday (the same day of my D&C), we will be 7 weeks away from our official due date and Bennett just has to learn to breathe and eat all on his own, plus be at least 4lbs - which we are almost to! I can hardly believe that I am in the VERY MIDDLE of surviving a storm that I didn't even know I could walk through. Honestly. It feels very surreal to know that I'm smack dab in the middle of it.

It's not lost upon me the magnitude of that statement.

Until 6 months ago, we were in a one of those phases of life where everything was just peachy keen. I knew based on scripture and my past trials that there would eventually come a day, though, when life wasn't so easy. Alas here we are. And we will get through it by your prayers and God's mercy.

If anything, my prayer life has been strengthened. And my thanksgiving has been strengthened. Some days, I will literally hang over Bennett's bed and repeat, "thank you Lord" over, and over, and over, and over again. It's an emotion in my heart, that is so deep, I have no other way to express it except by giving thanks to the God who grew Bennett into the viable baby who is now thriving.

And boy, is my guy handsome or what?
As of last night, Bennett was 1681g (3lbs 11.2oz), in the 20's for his oxygen need, got his feeding tube moved to his nose so we could breast/bottle feed, and has been managing his body temperature like a pro in his cute little crib! What a joy it is to be Bennett's mama.