Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Too Many Words and Not Enough Time or Energy

This is so awkward. 99% of my days are really good. But lately I've been thinking too much. Mainly about Bennett's health. One question that I can't shake is, "is this going to be a life-long thing that we're in together?" To dumb it down, what I mean is... I am trying to understand if Bennett will need Ross & I (the same way that babies need their parents) for his whole life. Or will this just be something that Bennett deals with on his own forever? Or will there be no complications and he winds up perfectly perfect?

It's definitely a fearful thing to not have a "normal" baby.

I don't even mean to withhold information about Bennett to our family and friends, but there's a lot of unknown with him. So if something doesn't seem so significant at first, but eventually it appears more important to mention, well how was I supposed to know? I don't have the energy to update everyone about every little thing.

So, there's a lot that is kept confined to the walls of our home; between Ross, Kensington, Bennett, and I. For no other reason than: 1) the unknown, 2) exhaustion of having to repeat everything.

To put it bluntly, I am starting to be concerned about some possible neurologic issues. Or possible cerebral palsy (which by the way, I know nothing about). I just have these inklings that there's something more going on. If you want to ask me to explain why, well, you won't get an answer unless you're a doctor examining my kid. How do I put into words Bennett's life from birth to present date? You won't get an answer from me because there's too many words and not enough time or energy.

Thankfully, we have a couple of special doctor appointments in August that I'm really looking forward to. Fresh eyes will see Bennett and that definitely excites me. When it comes to Bennett, I don't want anything sugar coated regarded his health and I want a honest assessment of him done. I think it's easy for some doctors to say, "he's perfect! Don't worry" (which by the way, he is perfect) instead of looking more analytically.

This wasn't a post I was planning to write, but today has been pretty tough. Our sweet OT, who comes to our home 3x per week, got a mouth full from me today and she listened so patiently. I love how compassionate she is; towards Bennett and myself (and let's be honest, she is compassionate towards my rowdy two-year-old also).

That's all today because there's 500 million more things I ought to be doing right now. But I can't post anything with an adorbs picture or video. Here is Bennett being way too cute, laughing :)
video
p.s. I am trying to get better about updating Instagram, if you want to follow along: @MrsSouthernMama